Medicine, Your Own

Hahahahaha
It's bitter, isn't it? Oh the irony. I love it.

Esprit d'Escalier

esprit d'escalier

esprit d'escalier (e-SPREE des-kal-i-YE) noun, also esprit de l'escalier

Thinking of a witty remark too late; hindsight wit or afterwit. Also such a remark.

[From French esprit de l'escalier, from esprit (wit) + escalier (stairs).]

Isn't it absolutely brilliant that the French can think of a word for that? I love this word! What a brilliant concept! Geeze, I really must give the Frenchies credit. Not only do they sound sensationally sexy, most often look sentationally sexy but they also have this seriously sexy and genius word! What more can a girl ask for? Nothing I tell you. But honestly, how often does this happen? You think of the most perfect thing to say when you're thinking about the situation afterwards. And for me it seems to always be afterwards. But still. This is great. It's made my day.

Red Wing Starlings

There were starlings in the bathroom this morning. For scavenging little beasts with wings they a) sound really pretty at 8am and b) look quite pretty with the sun on their red wings. There is a big rather rude sign next to the window saying "YOU MAY NOT BREATHE FRESH AIR IN THIS BATHROOM BECAUSE WANT YOU TO CHOKE AND DIE ON YOUR OWN USED UP BREATH (and the birds are moving in) SO KEEP THE WINDOW SEALED SHUT, BITCHES". Oooor something to that effect. But of course the windows were open and i left them open to allow the scavenging, although quite pretty, beasts to frolic in our communal bathroom. Enjoy birdies, tomorrow i might not feel like doing the animal kingdom a favour by allowing them to prance through the human structures of our bathroom like you so blissfully enjoy.

The Trip That Was Guilt

He was aware i am reading his blog. I'm pretty sure.

Guilt tripping is so unappealing, dear.

Apathy

Apathy has washed over me like a plague. I don't know whether it's worse to not feel or care at all or to be so pained by what you're feeling that it's mostly unbearable. Maybe it's just a sign that i'm okay. That the mechanisms have kicked in and that things are fine. That i'm fine without anyone. That i'm fine without specific people. And that not caring about that is cool too. Wonder how long it will last, it's nice.

Goo Goo Dolls

I'm enjoying Goo Goo Dolls at the moment. Yeah, it's a bit sad but it's gotten me into a retrospective yet more positive than negative mood.
Things are pretty much the same. Chaos on all fronts. You know, same shit different day. Trying to decide what i'm going to do next year and if what i want to do is feasible. Not really looking forward to telling everyone what i want to do, though. At Stellenbosch that is. They frown so badly upon those who change their minds, move or fuck up. I suppose i've done all of those or will do all of those and their frown will be one massive angry groove. But i'm not doing anything for them, i'd doing this for me. In fact i haven't really made any meaningful friendships within the group of people that i study with. I don't know if i ever could.
I do feel vaguely bad about leaving Jenny to her own devices, however it doesn't seem like she will ever really be on her own with her shit boyfriend hanging on for dear life. Durbanville isn't do far, she can come visit me.
I suppose i'm just a bit weary about making a final decision that i cannot change, especially if i'm not happy or happier in that situation either.

Oh well.

An Unheard Response

It's quite funny that i get my own back here... in a place he'll never see and likely never hear about while I see everything he wishes to say, which has been so far removed from me (obviously) in the last three months. However this morning was a little different. He used his method of communication to the world or what the modern society today calls the blog to lash out at me. Yeah, me personally after adamantly trying his best to make sure that he felt fuck all, that i was nothing in his life and I deserved my consuming fate.

Heh. I suppose I do, don't I? Everyone deserves what they I get in some way I suppose. It all has meaning, or something.

Yet I still can't help wondering if that was intentionally for me. My training in the language I oh so love, yet hate has got me thinking whether the intended reader really was me, or maybe he's reaching out to the new intended reader I've so frequently and painfully come across. If I could comment on this blog, i wonder if i would. What would I say, what is there to say? What if I'm trespassing on ground that is not mine to walk on. Oh. But Iwill be.

But you know. Fuck this. If he had fought to keep me, if he had really wanted me, before it got to the stage where it became clear there was no going back, then maybe none of this would be happening. I wouldn't have hurt him, at all in fact. I wouldn't have done a lot of shit that i did. But that's mostly irrelevant.

He is still so angry. I wonder if he can actually cope with this kind of shit or if what I've done has broke him permanently. I really wouldn't want to have done that, intentionally. But actually, in so many ways he seems to be projecting the attitude of I'm Just Fine, thanks bitch. So, okay, I'm Just Fine. Fuck off and stop hating me. Maybe look at your part in it. Fuck man. Holding on to that type of anger is what turned me off of you all those years back when I rejected you the first time. That specific anger which you held on to for our entire relationship. No wonder it fucking ended like this.

My comment would be "Let go of your anger, you're killing yourself with it". That is, if I was anonymous.

If I wasn't, I wouldn't comment, just as I've proceeded now. Because he can't ever and will never understand that I actually care about people. Maybe even about him. Although I'm not sure on the last one. Is that good or bad? I dunno.

Edit: Oh har, it has a double meaning heading to it too. "callous" How hilarious.

Used

I can't believe you still think it's okay to continue using me. Like, still. Continuously. When it suits you best.

I'm in shock. How does this gel with your conscience? Or do you, as i've suspected, just not have one? Or is it that i'm just not worth enough to you for you to feel anything? Do you think that i'm so meaningless in the context of THE ENTIRE WORLD that doing this shit to me is acceptable. You are fucking fooling yourself. Fuck off. Find someone else again, the last one seemed good enough to abuse, or is it just easier to abuse me. Fuck you. Honestly. You know what this does to me, how can you not? Oh yes, because it's easy for you to turn a blind eye to it, or justify it in your fucked up way.