Nuisance.

I think some things need to be said.
Just to clear stuff off my head.

I just wish consistency was a part of my life and preferably the relationships (or lack thereof) I have. I feel so frustrated by all this chopping and changing, one minute super friendly and the next not as much. I try to make myself as consistent as possible because I know this type of shit really annoys me. It is actually quite a problem in how much it pisses me off because I get SO livid about it that I struggle to resist being extremely rude.

Also, is it so fucking weird to want a consistent grounding? Like, come on. I know people have quirks and shit but I'm kind of certain that I'm not being unreasonable. Then again is it actually appropriate to ASK for consistency?

Fuck it.

Why does this stuff piss me off so much? Is it just an irritation that festers and festers until it explodes green pus all over the place? Because that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Green. And pussy.

Is it that I choose my times so well that everything comes crashing down on me with in 5 minute intervals? Is than an external force, the way it is, or myself doing this to myself? Because if it is myself I would LOVE to know how I can stop it and control myself to the extent where trivial and pointless shit doesn't irritate me to the point of irrationality. Or maybe I'm just consistently irrational, ironic huh?

It annoys me mostly because inconsistency seems to be a marker for failure with every past experience being recalled in my head when similar experiences trigger it. It is most likely that I am recalling annoying feelings from the past which compounds everything that's happening right now into what I shouldn't be addressing now: the past.

Hopefully this cloud passes soon, I'm tired of always feeling shitting and feeling like i'm sucking away all the positive energy present and gaining nothing from it.

But most of all, I hate feeling like I'm a nuisance.

Finding a Balance

I changed universities and my course in order to fulfil my strong desire to be academically and mentally stimulated while studying. Luckily this has happened and i feel much more enriched and challenged mentally in my new environment.

However i still have a strong craving to express myself creatively. I think it has built up the last while since i haven't touched anything art-like for the last 6 months almost. I feel slightly mentally exhausted and extremely creatively frustrated, yet time seems to never be on my side. I wonder if i'm still able to create artistically. I feel like I'm about to burst with creative energy, yet its quite possible that i will hit a complete blank on trying to express my frustrations. Suppose i can't do anything about it until i've tried, so that will be the task i carry out as soon as time allows.