Lap Dog

You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys

Don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
An' please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in anyway
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'll never stay

I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

Heard this song sang absolutely beautifully tonight and it really touched me. I think these words are quite an apt description of what I was thinking and feeling not so long ago and how grabbing hold of some of the presented ideas has left me feeling able to breathe and totally... energized. Living my life, although not always a fun experience has been extremely empowering. That is who i am. I'm empowered. I don't mope, i don't answer to someone. I never have before and i'm sad i started doing that because i'm not a lap dog. I like to stand out, i like to stand up and being "obedient" is really less part of me than any of the other horrid things i've been called. And you know what? I don't fucking care what the cunts of this world think of me right now because i think i'm ahsum. (just for a bit)

Hello Daar!

I'm home! It is 2:14 am, but i am home and alive and safe.... but drunk.
haha
It was a good night :)

Arriving to a Personal Hell

I'm breaking into pieces. It's really unfathomable that I'm going back there and cannot see you, cannot have you comfort me and cannot have you wipe away my tears. It's really breaking me. I'm trying hard to swallow it, but as I pack my shit up in preparation to go back there all I can think about is not having you.

Fuck. This hurts.

Annoyance

I don't like being on your terms.

Allium sativum

I Stink Of Garlic.

Yaaaaay :)

Learning

I need to learn to be me again.

It's hard to try and redefine yourself without much warning of the realities of living a single life. In all honesty i shouldn't need to be relearning myself. I should have retained the self i was prior to a relationship, however i didn't seem to get that one right.

I think my hardest challenge is being happy in my own company. I'm not sure i've ever been happy in my own company so learning that has been a long time coming, hasn't it. Yes it has.

An Intellectual Wasteland?

I don't figure myself to be a materialistic person.

I do however acknowledge my intellectual talent. No point in denying it, i have a slightly higher than average intellect. Although. At the moment, i feel that i may be wasting it. I don't know if what I'm doing really pushes my limits at all, and i don't know if I'm doing it because this is really what i want to do, or just as a cop out for something that will require much more work on my behalf.

Getting back to materialism. Can one actually study something, enjoy studying it, not have to work themselves dead and then still after all of this make a living from said studied profession? Well folks, I'm having my doubts on this one. Studying in the field of arts is just not monetarily rewarding. And i don't mean that after studying something you should come out with the salary of a millionaire, however i would like to be able to LIVE once I'm finished studying. As in, not having to stress every month about making money and having those thoughts control me.

So. Thoughts of maybe studying something that i may not enjoy as much as jewellery design, but may push my boundaries and make use of my somewhat wasted intellect are now being considered. However, I am still not sure that studying something just because you CAN, as in have the ability to pass it, is a reason to study it.

Enough of these career thoughts. Brain ache. (maybe that intellect point was over stressed)

Morning Crush

There really is only so much waking up and feeling this all too familiar jerk, squeeze and twinge in my stomach every morning. Yes ladies and gents, that is the misery setting in at 8 am, after a less than perfect few hours of sleep. Or maybe it's just reality.

I can't take not knowing what's going on. It's too hard to try and supplement all consuming, terribly painful loneliness with something (or someone) who is a) just fucking you around b) not sure what they want themselves and c) done this all to you before. I've come to realise (as recent as 5 seconds prior) that maybe i can take not knowing, maybe i just know it's going to be the answer i really don't want.

The problem comes in when i'm not sure i can handle both a suffocating blow and a rejection in one sitting. I feel fucking stupid where i am now. Dependant, so very heavily, on other people. Groping at any and all hands in order to try and pull myself up and stand on my feet. It's not working. It's not going to work if i become as fucking pathetic as i have. I'm not pathetic, that kind of shit doesn't run in my veins. Yet why the hell does every day feel like a pathetic drag to the next?

I don't understand how in such a short period of time a multitude of adjectives are being used to describe me. Ones that really hurt. Ones that i have never in my life been called. Ones that i am still reeling in shock about being called. It's not even like i'm inconsolable with grief and severely distraught. I just have a painful ebbing of misery thudding softly inside of me and it's really very difficult to live with. Possibly more difficult than inconsolable grief. At least people care at that stage. But i'm not the victim in all this, so no one would care anyway.

Filing Cabinet

I don't like to categorise. Yet i love categories. I put myself in them all the time, thereby doing something i hate, yet love at the same time. Quite confusing i must say. But to me, putting myself in a category helps me react and respond to people and situations according to the category that i place them in, in my mind. I suppose i do this as a method of bonding on like terms with people or even just hiding aspects of myself i don't think will be appreciated or approved of. Maybe it's a kind of protection mechanism to protect those parts more close to me. Or even to protect myself from judgment.

Without these categories, or unchartered categories life is all a bit too confusing for one small brain to handle. There are a select few people who i've come across in my life however, who do not force me to categorise them and thereby also not myself. They just are. They don't expect certain reactions or responses, they just take them all. And it is weird enough that i feel most like myself around them. My whole self, not just bits and pieces selected to create a partial person. The parts that i separate myself into with others actually become less important.

Although after such a long period of putting myself into categories I'm familiar with I'm not sure if i exist in others. And another problem comes when i have now been newly put into categories i never dreamed I'd be in and ones i can't quite live with myself being in. That in fact, is actually much harder for me to deal with than forgetting about my different entities. Fuck, i mean, being something you hate, despite and don't like to think about would be quite hard, wouldn't it?

I'll try disintegrating the boarders and be all of me, well most of me... maybe minus the parts i can't stand or can't stand to deal with.

One That Is Not Fully Understood, An Enigma

First posts are usually a beginning that is either an explanation of things to come or a filler to stop the gap of an outrageous start.

I am not sure if this will be either or, if it will simply just be a beginning.