There really is only so much waking up and feeling this all too familiar jerk, squeeze and twinge in my stomach every morning. Yes ladies and gents, that is the misery setting in at 8 am, after a less than perfect few hours of sleep. Or maybe it's just reality.
I can't take not knowing what's going on. It's too hard to try and supplement all consuming, terribly painful loneliness with something (or someone) who is a) just fucking you around b) not sure what they want themselves and c) done this all to you before. I've come to realise (as recent as 5 seconds prior) that maybe i can take not knowing, maybe i just know it's going to be the answer i really don't want.
The problem comes in when i'm not sure i can handle both a suffocating blow and a rejection in one sitting. I feel fucking stupid where i am now. Dependant, so very heavily, on other people. Groping at any and all hands in order to try and pull myself up and stand on my feet. It's not working. It's not going to work if i become as fucking pathetic as i have. I'm not pathetic, that kind of shit doesn't run in my veins. Yet why the hell does every day feel like a pathetic drag to the next?
I don't understand how in such a short period of time a multitude of adjectives are being used to describe me. Ones that really hurt. Ones that i have never in my life been called. Ones that i am still reeling in shock about being called. It's not even like i'm inconsolable with grief and severely distraught. I just have a painful ebbing of misery thudding softly inside of me and it's really very difficult to live with. Possibly more difficult than inconsolable grief. At least people care at that stage. But i'm not the victim in all this, so no one would care anyway.
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