Congratulations

Maybe some congratulations is in order.

Well done on sorting yourself out. Did you drag yourself out of that mess? Or are you just dragging someone else down into it to be smothered and suffocated? Oh but of course you don't realise how bad you actually are. And the only reason why i say that is because i was on the receiving end of you and your mud and yes, i was drowned in it. In fact I'm still sitting here wondering if I'm not past the stage of resuscitation.

Congratulations for dragging me to a point that you're above me, now. Kudos for that, makes you so fucking brilliant, huh? All those noddy badges?

Well done on finding someone better, prettier and generally a perfect platform for you to play your bullshit out on. It'll be such fun. I'm sure you can't wait.

Oh and congrats on hiding it from me for so long. Yeah of course you knew i was looking. She must've been really special. Your method of bragging is also worth of congrats. Cheers to you.

I shouldn't. But i do.

I shouldn't feel sick to my stomach.
I shouldn't feel a prick of anger.
I shouldn't feel hurt.
I shouldn't feel completely betrayed.

Yet i really do.
And it's stinging.

Too Late

I'm kind of done holding on. My grip has slackened and i'm tired of fighting for something that i'm not quite sure is worth it. You know the saying "you can't have everything you want" is ringing true and now it's kind of got to a point that i don' really want it any more. It's sad huh? The more i fight for it the more i realise that the fight isn't completely worth fighting, now is it? And you know what, i don't even particularly feel like announcing my giving up. I mean why should i? Waste more breath on more useless rambling that will probably be presented as a last measure to try and force a move that is not wanted to be made. And i've kind of realised that i'm not the only one out there despite all the bullshit that's been presented to me from one too many sources.

And you know what kind of funny. When the realisation hits that i'm giving up, or rather that i've pretty much completely given up there is all of a sudden all this effort being presented. mmm.

Holiday

I'm going away on holiday.

I think it's a well deserved break and i'm going to try and make the best of it. Hopefully i can transform my death-toned glare giving legs into bronze gleaming beauties. Wishful thinking is top of the order today as we can all see. Hopefully the time and space will clear my head of a) cobwebs b) troubles and c) bring me to blissful enlightenment (yeah, sure).

Anyway.
*whoosh*

For now

I'm going to stop being an imtimidating bitch.
And i;m going to be nice.
And i'm going to stop hurting and being hurt.
And i'll chill the fuck out.

Eh

Blah.

Ths just isn't working. And in the meantime i'm apparently really hurting which is the last thing i ever want to do. I mean, fuck, i actually like this guy. And not only do i like him, but i admitted to myself that i like him. Not a particularly easy step for me.

Oh well.
*sigh*

Review

Haha
Wow, i was just reading through my own rantings and outlets of what came across as mostly anger. And damn, there is so much of it!
I'm glad that it comes out via words and into "cyberspace" rather than in someone's ear where it can pollute their sanity. Haha, wow i give myself a lot of credit.

Anyway, I'd like to think i'm not really an angry person at all, this is just where the most intense versions of it come through. Although the re-visiting of what i've said is probably quite important at to do, at some stage at least. Maybe it will result in a complete re-evaluation. Things are pretty different now, you know.

And you know what.
I really like someone at the moment and despite it hurting fairly badly at time, it's still good in a few ways. THEY'RE good in a few ways. More than good and more than a few, actually.
It's nice.

Hallmark Burning

Wow
I'm seriously upset. I think i may be on the brink of tears. I'm fucking tired of this shit. Honestly. Why can't things just be more simple. Why can't things just be communicated to me instead of me having to constantly fucking give of myself and getting nothing back. For fuck sakes, this isn't fair and it seems to always be happening to me. Must be something I'm doing.

What the fuck. Honestly. Why can't people be frank? When you're lying in your grave the potential hurt/heart break/ embarrassment or what the fuck ever will no longer matter.

Hallmark should still make cards saying "fuck you"

Mysteries Uncovered

There's something about meeting someone new that is so exhilarating. Exploring their mind and personality is particularly exciting when they have undertones of mystery. It is something new added to an otherwise bland every day life, but I'm starting to wonder if it's when the mystery wears off that there is no longer an appeal? Or maybe the mystery that you've uncovered is not quite the one you were hoping for. I hope this mystery lasts. The trill is something I've been needing. No more disappointments, please.

The Elipsis of a Dream

Wow, it's been a while since i've logged on here and vented a bit. Is that a good thing? Does it mean i'm coping better? Coming out of my hole. Forcing myself to be more proactive and less dependent? Well fuck, i don't know.

But. I woke up this morning feeling just as completely fucked up as i was a few months ago. A place i was hoping to never have a to return. A place He spoke about when i was still able to listen. Yeah, kinda horrible.

Anyway, i had a really bad dream in the early hours of the morning. Or maybe it wasn't the dream that was so bad, it was more the waking up that threw me viciously back into reality with the dream being just a cruel reminder of how real waking up in this world is. Also made me realise that my world is still not a particularly grand reality. In any sense.

Fuck. This is one of those dreams that i actually wish i couldn't remember. Why is it that i can never remember them when i want them to be remembered but when i don't want them in my psyche it's all that runs through my head.

I have a strong desire to...
No nevermind

Cards

Yes, they should. I'd have way too much use for them though. Don't want to be keeping hallmark in business with my tendency for profanity.

Medicine, Your Own

Hahahahaha
It's bitter, isn't it? Oh the irony. I love it.

Esprit d'Escalier

esprit d'escalier

esprit d'escalier (e-SPREE des-kal-i-YE) noun, also esprit de l'escalier

Thinking of a witty remark too late; hindsight wit or afterwit. Also such a remark.

[From French esprit de l'escalier, from esprit (wit) + escalier (stairs).]

Isn't it absolutely brilliant that the French can think of a word for that? I love this word! What a brilliant concept! Geeze, I really must give the Frenchies credit. Not only do they sound sensationally sexy, most often look sentationally sexy but they also have this seriously sexy and genius word! What more can a girl ask for? Nothing I tell you. But honestly, how often does this happen? You think of the most perfect thing to say when you're thinking about the situation afterwards. And for me it seems to always be afterwards. But still. This is great. It's made my day.

Red Wing Starlings

There were starlings in the bathroom this morning. For scavenging little beasts with wings they a) sound really pretty at 8am and b) look quite pretty with the sun on their red wings. There is a big rather rude sign next to the window saying "YOU MAY NOT BREATHE FRESH AIR IN THIS BATHROOM BECAUSE WANT YOU TO CHOKE AND DIE ON YOUR OWN USED UP BREATH (and the birds are moving in) SO KEEP THE WINDOW SEALED SHUT, BITCHES". Oooor something to that effect. But of course the windows were open and i left them open to allow the scavenging, although quite pretty, beasts to frolic in our communal bathroom. Enjoy birdies, tomorrow i might not feel like doing the animal kingdom a favour by allowing them to prance through the human structures of our bathroom like you so blissfully enjoy.

The Trip That Was Guilt

He was aware i am reading his blog. I'm pretty sure.

Guilt tripping is so unappealing, dear.

Apathy

Apathy has washed over me like a plague. I don't know whether it's worse to not feel or care at all or to be so pained by what you're feeling that it's mostly unbearable. Maybe it's just a sign that i'm okay. That the mechanisms have kicked in and that things are fine. That i'm fine without anyone. That i'm fine without specific people. And that not caring about that is cool too. Wonder how long it will last, it's nice.

Goo Goo Dolls

I'm enjoying Goo Goo Dolls at the moment. Yeah, it's a bit sad but it's gotten me into a retrospective yet more positive than negative mood.
Things are pretty much the same. Chaos on all fronts. You know, same shit different day. Trying to decide what i'm going to do next year and if what i want to do is feasible. Not really looking forward to telling everyone what i want to do, though. At Stellenbosch that is. They frown so badly upon those who change their minds, move or fuck up. I suppose i've done all of those or will do all of those and their frown will be one massive angry groove. But i'm not doing anything for them, i'd doing this for me. In fact i haven't really made any meaningful friendships within the group of people that i study with. I don't know if i ever could.
I do feel vaguely bad about leaving Jenny to her own devices, however it doesn't seem like she will ever really be on her own with her shit boyfriend hanging on for dear life. Durbanville isn't do far, she can come visit me.
I suppose i'm just a bit weary about making a final decision that i cannot change, especially if i'm not happy or happier in that situation either.

Oh well.

An Unheard Response

It's quite funny that i get my own back here... in a place he'll never see and likely never hear about while I see everything he wishes to say, which has been so far removed from me (obviously) in the last three months. However this morning was a little different. He used his method of communication to the world or what the modern society today calls the blog to lash out at me. Yeah, me personally after adamantly trying his best to make sure that he felt fuck all, that i was nothing in his life and I deserved my consuming fate.

Heh. I suppose I do, don't I? Everyone deserves what they I get in some way I suppose. It all has meaning, or something.

Yet I still can't help wondering if that was intentionally for me. My training in the language I oh so love, yet hate has got me thinking whether the intended reader really was me, or maybe he's reaching out to the new intended reader I've so frequently and painfully come across. If I could comment on this blog, i wonder if i would. What would I say, what is there to say? What if I'm trespassing on ground that is not mine to walk on. Oh. But Iwill be.

But you know. Fuck this. If he had fought to keep me, if he had really wanted me, before it got to the stage where it became clear there was no going back, then maybe none of this would be happening. I wouldn't have hurt him, at all in fact. I wouldn't have done a lot of shit that i did. But that's mostly irrelevant.

He is still so angry. I wonder if he can actually cope with this kind of shit or if what I've done has broke him permanently. I really wouldn't want to have done that, intentionally. But actually, in so many ways he seems to be projecting the attitude of I'm Just Fine, thanks bitch. So, okay, I'm Just Fine. Fuck off and stop hating me. Maybe look at your part in it. Fuck man. Holding on to that type of anger is what turned me off of you all those years back when I rejected you the first time. That specific anger which you held on to for our entire relationship. No wonder it fucking ended like this.

My comment would be "Let go of your anger, you're killing yourself with it". That is, if I was anonymous.

If I wasn't, I wouldn't comment, just as I've proceeded now. Because he can't ever and will never understand that I actually care about people. Maybe even about him. Although I'm not sure on the last one. Is that good or bad? I dunno.

Edit: Oh har, it has a double meaning heading to it too. "callous" How hilarious.

Used

I can't believe you still think it's okay to continue using me. Like, still. Continuously. When it suits you best.

I'm in shock. How does this gel with your conscience? Or do you, as i've suspected, just not have one? Or is it that i'm just not worth enough to you for you to feel anything? Do you think that i'm so meaningless in the context of THE ENTIRE WORLD that doing this shit to me is acceptable. You are fucking fooling yourself. Fuck off. Find someone else again, the last one seemed good enough to abuse, or is it just easier to abuse me. Fuck you. Honestly. You know what this does to me, how can you not? Oh yes, because it's easy for you to turn a blind eye to it, or justify it in your fucked up way.

Subconscious Hauntings

My dreams are haunting me. I suppose it's my subconscious begging me to deal with the issues that i'm trying to put asside only to continue with a normal life. I guess waking up will mean swallowing my memories of the night prior and again, trying to live through some semblance of a life.

It really is hard constantly putting yourself out there and never knowing what the fuck goes on behind the scenes on the other side when the show you're getting is also just one big fucking mess.To be quite honest, i don't have the emotional stability or strength to ask. Probably because i know what my answers will be met by.

Early Morning

I never thought getting through a day or week could be so difficult. Fighting against my own person to just live through the day is not my idea of how life should be. It really shouldn't be like this, or should it? I don't actually care how things should be, myself personally i'm not feeling good. And to be quite honest i don't know when i will or if i really was. What is the purpose of living a life like that? Is this just me? Am i over reacting? You know, fuck that. I don't care if i'm over reacting. This shit feeling has become a reality for me and it's not just the shit feeling. It's the reality that causes it. People hurting me and constantly letting me down when i'm really at my weakest is something that i can't do. Yes, i've lived (ie survived) the past few days without intentionally destructive people that i thought i needed, but i can't be alone for my entire life. It really seems as if it's going that way. And when i'm at my worst of worst there isn't even a comforting thought i can allow myself to have, because i'm only lying to myself. I can't even use the lies to placate myself either because then i just fall deeper and deeper into the well when i'm rudely made aware of how much of a lie my situation is.

I set myself up for hurt. Stupid, yes. But now it hurts. It's all just fucking sitting there, what i am supposed to do with all of this? Is there any way to live a normal life?

You have a problem

This is an open letter the the entire male race. Yes race. If you can apply yourself to it, please do. DON'T IGNORE IT. You're not above me, or my letter. This is the letter and at least consider it. Thank you.

Dear Men
Please can you stop being schitsophrenic? Okay, i know it's a tall order for you to stop or halt completely, but i do believe a good few of you need treatment. Drastic treatment that will prevent you from acting like a woman. Yes, it is women that change their m,inds 500 times in a second, you are not women. I know how wonderful we all are and how much you are dying to be exactly like us, but you cannot. It goes against all rules of society, evolution and the laws of sexes. So please, you are not women. Thank you for visiting your friendly local shrink with drugs, your support and co-opporation is much appreciated.
Much Love
Women (or just me)
Oh and PS this is no attack at people with schitsophrenia, not at all. You are the ones mocking them. Thanks.

edit
By the way: WHAT THE FUCK.

Breathing is impossible

Jesus. Can you die from a panic attack?

"Life goes on"

How am i supposed to deal with this shit? Honestly, how is time supposed to heal the wounds? Please will someone explain this all to me, give me the manual, the steps, because i cannot fathom how "life moves on". This is my fucking life story.

3am

Wow. Fell asleep at 2am this morning after having too much stuff milling around in my head. Was then woken up at 3am by some delightful assholes waking my entire corridor up in order to get to a chick who didn't want to see them in any case. *sigh* Lovely.

Despite being seriously over-exhausted i'm going to try to remain positive today, try and focus on the few really great things i have in my life. Being in such a shit state has really made me appreciate the good things when they come.

On a similar note, i opened a folder of pictures on my computer last night by accident. The times depicted were really really good times. I missed those good times, this longing coming with a feeling that could've suffocated me. But i'm glad those times existed. I'm just quite sad that there wont be more for a very long time, if ever.

Once Bitten, Twice as Unshy

I cannot believe how stupid i can be sometimes. I really wish i could be me from the outside and shake myself so hard that reality hits. Honestly, why is this shit so difficult? If i can SEE it myself, from the inside mind you then WHY can i never or will i never do something about it?

It also really tickles me pink that i manage to have everything come down on me when i'm in my lowest slump. No, it appears it wasn't just a bad Monday, because today is a bad Tuesday. Before it's begun. Couldn't kick the mood before it settled and now getting rid of it will get pretty hard if i'm gauging myself right.

I don't understand this. I can see all of this. It's like i'm fucking autistic, know it and can't/ won't do anything about it. Yet i know the repercussions, i KNOW what all of this feels like. Am i lacking some part of my psyche? This is seriously bizarre. Self preserve mechanisms anyone? WHERE ARE MINE? But what is all the more interesting is that these situations keep arising. Come on big guy in the sky, how many more times is this going to happen? Honestly, if you could stop now, it would be great. I don't have any more strength left in me to deal with this and no, i'm not going to learn from it on time 87, has that not become clear to you?

That's all.

You are what you eat

I thought that I longed to go out with Him. I thought that I was the one holding back His fun. And it's fucking amazing how He allowed me to believe that, or that i let him make me believe that. Fuck that shit. I realise now that the person who I longed to go have fun on the town with is exactly the type of person that i hated in Him.

I really hate this person you've evolved into. I'm seeing you from outsider eyes and you are looking pretty fucking hideous at the moment. If only you knew how to balance things properly. Let me just say this again. I seriously fucking hate knowing that the person i dated and loved (still love, sadly) is so horrific. Oh, and your friend is as much of a cunt as you are.

Girl Magic

I've met a new person who I had a really awesome chat with tonight. She has always been such a sweet, friendly person and I'm glad she's made a move to incorporate me into her life. She seems like she has a similar situation to what I was in and she really reached out to me and opened up which felt so nice. It also felt so good to have someone to talk to about my situation. And she just generally is a positive person who i feel would benefit my life. I want people to benefit my life. I need good people in my life now that i have a chance to replace the old with the new i want to do it in a way that will bring about the best possible results.

She expressed feelings of severe isolation in such a way that i thought she had taken my brain out of my head and was expressing my thoughts in words. I was seriously shocked, but it was great. We decided we'll do lunches together after I told her of my bad experience on the first day without Him. I'm actually quite excited! Hehe. Suppose I'm being quite a girl about this, but I'm loving this! I am as happy as pig in shit after a real and awesome girl-talk chat despite making friends easier with guys. How great. More shall be said on this!

P.S I also went out for pizza tonight with the lady spoken about above along with the rest of my section. It was fun, pizza was goooooood.

Lap Dog

You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys

Don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
An' please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in anyway
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'll never stay

I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you

I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

Heard this song sang absolutely beautifully tonight and it really touched me. I think these words are quite an apt description of what I was thinking and feeling not so long ago and how grabbing hold of some of the presented ideas has left me feeling able to breathe and totally... energized. Living my life, although not always a fun experience has been extremely empowering. That is who i am. I'm empowered. I don't mope, i don't answer to someone. I never have before and i'm sad i started doing that because i'm not a lap dog. I like to stand out, i like to stand up and being "obedient" is really less part of me than any of the other horrid things i've been called. And you know what? I don't fucking care what the cunts of this world think of me right now because i think i'm ahsum. (just for a bit)

Hello Daar!

I'm home! It is 2:14 am, but i am home and alive and safe.... but drunk.
haha
It was a good night :)

Arriving to a Personal Hell

I'm breaking into pieces. It's really unfathomable that I'm going back there and cannot see you, cannot have you comfort me and cannot have you wipe away my tears. It's really breaking me. I'm trying hard to swallow it, but as I pack my shit up in preparation to go back there all I can think about is not having you.

Fuck. This hurts.

Annoyance

I don't like being on your terms.

Allium sativum

I Stink Of Garlic.

Yaaaaay :)

Learning

I need to learn to be me again.

It's hard to try and redefine yourself without much warning of the realities of living a single life. In all honesty i shouldn't need to be relearning myself. I should have retained the self i was prior to a relationship, however i didn't seem to get that one right.

I think my hardest challenge is being happy in my own company. I'm not sure i've ever been happy in my own company so learning that has been a long time coming, hasn't it. Yes it has.

An Intellectual Wasteland?

I don't figure myself to be a materialistic person.

I do however acknowledge my intellectual talent. No point in denying it, i have a slightly higher than average intellect. Although. At the moment, i feel that i may be wasting it. I don't know if what I'm doing really pushes my limits at all, and i don't know if I'm doing it because this is really what i want to do, or just as a cop out for something that will require much more work on my behalf.

Getting back to materialism. Can one actually study something, enjoy studying it, not have to work themselves dead and then still after all of this make a living from said studied profession? Well folks, I'm having my doubts on this one. Studying in the field of arts is just not monetarily rewarding. And i don't mean that after studying something you should come out with the salary of a millionaire, however i would like to be able to LIVE once I'm finished studying. As in, not having to stress every month about making money and having those thoughts control me.

So. Thoughts of maybe studying something that i may not enjoy as much as jewellery design, but may push my boundaries and make use of my somewhat wasted intellect are now being considered. However, I am still not sure that studying something just because you CAN, as in have the ability to pass it, is a reason to study it.

Enough of these career thoughts. Brain ache. (maybe that intellect point was over stressed)

Morning Crush

There really is only so much waking up and feeling this all too familiar jerk, squeeze and twinge in my stomach every morning. Yes ladies and gents, that is the misery setting in at 8 am, after a less than perfect few hours of sleep. Or maybe it's just reality.

I can't take not knowing what's going on. It's too hard to try and supplement all consuming, terribly painful loneliness with something (or someone) who is a) just fucking you around b) not sure what they want themselves and c) done this all to you before. I've come to realise (as recent as 5 seconds prior) that maybe i can take not knowing, maybe i just know it's going to be the answer i really don't want.

The problem comes in when i'm not sure i can handle both a suffocating blow and a rejection in one sitting. I feel fucking stupid where i am now. Dependant, so very heavily, on other people. Groping at any and all hands in order to try and pull myself up and stand on my feet. It's not working. It's not going to work if i become as fucking pathetic as i have. I'm not pathetic, that kind of shit doesn't run in my veins. Yet why the hell does every day feel like a pathetic drag to the next?

I don't understand how in such a short period of time a multitude of adjectives are being used to describe me. Ones that really hurt. Ones that i have never in my life been called. Ones that i am still reeling in shock about being called. It's not even like i'm inconsolable with grief and severely distraught. I just have a painful ebbing of misery thudding softly inside of me and it's really very difficult to live with. Possibly more difficult than inconsolable grief. At least people care at that stage. But i'm not the victim in all this, so no one would care anyway.

Filing Cabinet

I don't like to categorise. Yet i love categories. I put myself in them all the time, thereby doing something i hate, yet love at the same time. Quite confusing i must say. But to me, putting myself in a category helps me react and respond to people and situations according to the category that i place them in, in my mind. I suppose i do this as a method of bonding on like terms with people or even just hiding aspects of myself i don't think will be appreciated or approved of. Maybe it's a kind of protection mechanism to protect those parts more close to me. Or even to protect myself from judgment.

Without these categories, or unchartered categories life is all a bit too confusing for one small brain to handle. There are a select few people who i've come across in my life however, who do not force me to categorise them and thereby also not myself. They just are. They don't expect certain reactions or responses, they just take them all. And it is weird enough that i feel most like myself around them. My whole self, not just bits and pieces selected to create a partial person. The parts that i separate myself into with others actually become less important.

Although after such a long period of putting myself into categories I'm familiar with I'm not sure if i exist in others. And another problem comes when i have now been newly put into categories i never dreamed I'd be in and ones i can't quite live with myself being in. That in fact, is actually much harder for me to deal with than forgetting about my different entities. Fuck, i mean, being something you hate, despite and don't like to think about would be quite hard, wouldn't it?

I'll try disintegrating the boarders and be all of me, well most of me... maybe minus the parts i can't stand or can't stand to deal with.

One That Is Not Fully Understood, An Enigma

First posts are usually a beginning that is either an explanation of things to come or a filler to stop the gap of an outrageous start.

I am not sure if this will be either or, if it will simply just be a beginning.