So I thought I'd come back to my beloved venting space, my blog. However this was not such an easy process. It seems google and blogspot both hate me and decided to screw with all my account settings and confused the hell out of me. Anyway, i think i figured it out.
So it's been a while since I've felt the desire to blog which could be a good thing, or a bad thing. It probably means that I've been cruising in the zone of not quite exciting and fairly boring. It seems I get inspiration to write at either extreme. It feels like the last few weeks, however have been a crazy bouncing backwards and forwards between the two extremes and in the process I've stabilised, again, in the realm of boring. Or maybe it's just exhausted. In any case, it was recently pointed out to me that i have not expressed myself creatively in a long time. It's true. I feel no need, no desire not even a slight inkling. This coming from someone who was creative for the entire year last year, in the process of getting an education and as recreation. Now, despite the educational part not being part of it anymore, I still feel no recreational need to be creative. This isn't bothering me though, and maybe its just the signs of me changing and other priorities emerging in my life. Academic creativity has replaced writing for the sake of expression and other social aspects have taken the place of creative recreation. I've fitted neatly into the space I desired to be in at the end of last year and my creativity has been a causualty.
Perhaps I shall return more often to my blog as a momentary creative release, connection to recreational writing or just (as it has been in the past) to vent or muse.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Unsure
Now that I "have" what I wanted I'm not quite sure that I want it any more. I catch myself feeling a desire to jump headlong into things and throw myself and all my energy into this thing. However I catch myself with the feeling that I really should be a little conservative about this. I'm not all that sure how long this is going to last especially due to the number of ups and downs that have gone on. If it's not going to last then should I just throw my all in and allow it to extinguish, or should I not bother with the possible emotional exhaustion that might result? What if it does last longer, or I discover that I would like it to last longer, will I just be fooling myself or will I have fucked things up beyond repair by then? I acknowledge that I need to chill the fuck out a lot more but it's difficult to constantly fight that urge. I also feel myself getting hurt or offended by really stupid things that would ordinarily mean nothing to me. I think I'm just on full alert and trying to protect myself yet trying to enjoy myself and it's proving to be a little confusing and exhausting.
We shall see.
We shall see.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Work
So.
I get a call 5 minutes after I've woken up to inform me that I'm supposed to be at work. Shit. So now, this isn't very much like me at all. I'm usually always on time, very responsible, pretty amicable and generally a pretty good employee.
Except, that is not how I've been coming across to them at all recently and how it's bugging me. Initially I didn't care, because I knew that I'm a pretty good employee and that I have contributed some to the shop (what a big difference in the world I have made), rather than taking (large sums of money in some cases) like other beloved employees.
I have been messed around a few times with regards to showing up and no one being there and having to trek myself home after no one has told me the shop was closed on the day I was shifted to work. So, when my weekend manager did not arrive on a day I was supposed to work, 15 minutes after the shop was already supposed to be open, I sent my manager a message asking who was supposed to be working to open the shop.
Now, this was taken as me being a complete bitch and going against my weekend manager who now hates me with a passion. Lovely. However it was not the case at all.
Now with regards to me being reliable. Admittedly I did call in one day (as least a day prior to when I should be working) and say that I was sick. Admittedly this was due to the fact that I was writing an exam the day after the day I was working on and needed to study instead. Apparently studying isn't a valid excuse (sorry folks, I don't plan on working in your shitty shop for the whole of my life, studying is how I will get out). However, I do not think that is unreasonable as a casual staff member, I'm not required to get leave. Plus they are constantly telling me that they have too many casuals. Get one of them to work! One other occassion i was *actually* sick while at work with... wait for it.... 5 other people working on ame day. In actuality, the shop only needs 3 people. So I went home. I pitched the very next day, though. Even though I still felt like crap. But I'm sure they forget this to keep up the idea in their mind that I'm unreliable but mostly a bitch.
Now, as a result of this i was further hated and the passive aggressive mumblings started and began to really annoy me. I knew they were pissed off, but they refused to a) solve the situation and b) get it cleared off the plate. Maybe they prefer to hold onto it.
Now today, i did fuck up for real. I forgot that I was shifted in for today or didn't write it down, or missed it on the board. I'm not exactly sure which. To which I recieved a phonecall telling me I should be there. Upon telling her that i could be there within 30min she said that i could leave it and they'll split my money. But the boss will be really annoyed that i didn't pitch.
So i had the delemma of rushing to pitch up and ruining my entire day. Or just saying "yes fine". The thing that annoys me is that the weekend manager will get half of what i was supposed to get. So what the hell is that? She makes me feel like a complete idiot and is still a bitch on top of it, but she is actually benefitting.
I have to try and console myself with the thought that it's just my first job, a casual possition and something i didn't really enjoy anyway. Along with the fact that they haven't exactly treated me in the best way either. It's still not nice to have people disliking you and i genuinely do not like to dissapoint people or to make trouble for people.
I get a call 5 minutes after I've woken up to inform me that I'm supposed to be at work. Shit. So now, this isn't very much like me at all. I'm usually always on time, very responsible, pretty amicable and generally a pretty good employee.
Except, that is not how I've been coming across to them at all recently and how it's bugging me. Initially I didn't care, because I knew that I'm a pretty good employee and that I have contributed some to the shop (what a big difference in the world I have made), rather than taking (large sums of money in some cases) like other beloved employees.
I have been messed around a few times with regards to showing up and no one being there and having to trek myself home after no one has told me the shop was closed on the day I was shifted to work. So, when my weekend manager did not arrive on a day I was supposed to work, 15 minutes after the shop was already supposed to be open, I sent my manager a message asking who was supposed to be working to open the shop.
Now, this was taken as me being a complete bitch and going against my weekend manager who now hates me with a passion. Lovely. However it was not the case at all.
Now with regards to me being reliable. Admittedly I did call in one day (as least a day prior to when I should be working) and say that I was sick. Admittedly this was due to the fact that I was writing an exam the day after the day I was working on and needed to study instead. Apparently studying isn't a valid excuse (sorry folks, I don't plan on working in your shitty shop for the whole of my life, studying is how I will get out). However, I do not think that is unreasonable as a casual staff member, I'm not required to get leave. Plus they are constantly telling me that they have too many casuals. Get one of them to work! One other occassion i was *actually* sick while at work with... wait for it.... 5 other people working on ame day. In actuality, the shop only needs 3 people. So I went home. I pitched the very next day, though. Even though I still felt like crap. But I'm sure they forget this to keep up the idea in their mind that I'm unreliable but mostly a bitch.
Now, as a result of this i was further hated and the passive aggressive mumblings started and began to really annoy me. I knew they were pissed off, but they refused to a) solve the situation and b) get it cleared off the plate. Maybe they prefer to hold onto it.
Now today, i did fuck up for real. I forgot that I was shifted in for today or didn't write it down, or missed it on the board. I'm not exactly sure which. To which I recieved a phonecall telling me I should be there. Upon telling her that i could be there within 30min she said that i could leave it and they'll split my money. But the boss will be really annoyed that i didn't pitch.
So i had the delemma of rushing to pitch up and ruining my entire day. Or just saying "yes fine". The thing that annoys me is that the weekend manager will get half of what i was supposed to get. So what the hell is that? She makes me feel like a complete idiot and is still a bitch on top of it, but she is actually benefitting.
I have to try and console myself with the thought that it's just my first job, a casual possition and something i didn't really enjoy anyway. Along with the fact that they haven't exactly treated me in the best way either. It's still not nice to have people disliking you and i genuinely do not like to dissapoint people or to make trouble for people.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
10 Things To Do
Okay So. This is what I'm going to try and do.
1) Be More Patient
I will try my best to enjoy the ride despite the shitty parts. I will love the good moments for every ounce they are worth and love the bad parts for making the good parts seem so deliriously good.
2) Be More Accepting
Try to accept people and their flaws but not allowing their flaws to influence myself. Remembering that i have flaws myself and trying to hone in the worst of them and making myself more open and accessible to people without losing my stance.
3) Be Less Bitchy
Opening myself up to people of all kinds will allow me to learn from others and learn more about myself but the bitchy has got to stop in order to open up more avenues of people and therefore experiences.
4) Be Less Spoilt
Acknowledging that despite wanting everything now, that I can't always have it.
5) Do Not Allow the Past to Dictate My Future
Past reactions led to a certain consequence. So what? Change the reaction to change the consequence, winning all around. Learning from my mistakes and just acknowledging that sometimes things just go a certain way.
6) Be More focused
Decide exactly what I want and why I want it. Don't get upset about not getting something I tried to get for no reason. Know why I didn't get it, what I did wrong for that to happen and how I can prevent it from happening again.
7) Keep Checks on My emotions
Be aware when negative moods are close by and removing myself from situations that could cause self sabotage and destroy my chances of happiness when I'm out of my bad space.
8) Make More Effort
When the time calls for it, I need to give of myself in order to get back at some point. I need to not expect returns on my effort but try to return effort for those who put effort in with me. Know when to give up on the stream of effort. I need to take risks and put effort into my risks to prevent the complete certainty of failure. Don't let people dictate who I am and what I should be feeling.
9) Appreciate Beauty
Stop focusing on the bad and enjoy all the good that is out there, if there isn't any, make my own.
10) Do Not Deny My Creative
Accept that i have a creative side that needs to be expressed in some way despite not having time and emotional energy and make time to release pent up creative frustrations
1) Be More Patient
I will try my best to enjoy the ride despite the shitty parts. I will love the good moments for every ounce they are worth and love the bad parts for making the good parts seem so deliriously good.
2) Be More Accepting
Try to accept people and their flaws but not allowing their flaws to influence myself. Remembering that i have flaws myself and trying to hone in the worst of them and making myself more open and accessible to people without losing my stance.
3) Be Less Bitchy
Opening myself up to people of all kinds will allow me to learn from others and learn more about myself but the bitchy has got to stop in order to open up more avenues of people and therefore experiences.
4) Be Less Spoilt
Acknowledging that despite wanting everything now, that I can't always have it.
5) Do Not Allow the Past to Dictate My Future
Past reactions led to a certain consequence. So what? Change the reaction to change the consequence, winning all around. Learning from my mistakes and just acknowledging that sometimes things just go a certain way.
6) Be More focused
Decide exactly what I want and why I want it. Don't get upset about not getting something I tried to get for no reason. Know why I didn't get it, what I did wrong for that to happen and how I can prevent it from happening again.
7) Keep Checks on My emotions
Be aware when negative moods are close by and removing myself from situations that could cause self sabotage and destroy my chances of happiness when I'm out of my bad space.
8) Make More Effort
When the time calls for it, I need to give of myself in order to get back at some point. I need to not expect returns on my effort but try to return effort for those who put effort in with me. Know when to give up on the stream of effort. I need to take risks and put effort into my risks to prevent the complete certainty of failure. Don't let people dictate who I am and what I should be feeling.
9) Appreciate Beauty
Stop focusing on the bad and enjoy all the good that is out there, if there isn't any, make my own.
10) Do Not Deny My Creative
Accept that i have a creative side that needs to be expressed in some way despite not having time and emotional energy and make time to release pent up creative frustrations
Friday, May 30, 2008
Nuisance.
I think some things need to be said.
Just to clear stuff off my head.
I just wish consistency was a part of my life and preferably the relationships (or lack thereof) I have. I feel so frustrated by all this chopping and changing, one minute super friendly and the next not as much. I try to make myself as consistent as possible because I know this type of shit really annoys me. It is actually quite a problem in how much it pisses me off because I get SO livid about it that I struggle to resist being extremely rude.
Also, is it so fucking weird to want a consistent grounding? Like, come on. I know people have quirks and shit but I'm kind of certain that I'm not being unreasonable. Then again is it actually appropriate to ASK for consistency?
Fuck it.
Why does this stuff piss me off so much? Is it just an irritation that festers and festers until it explodes green pus all over the place? Because that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Green. And pussy.
Is it that I choose my times so well that everything comes crashing down on me with in 5 minute intervals? Is than an external force, the way it is, or myself doing this to myself? Because if it is myself I would LOVE to know how I can stop it and control myself to the extent where trivial and pointless shit doesn't irritate me to the point of irrationality. Or maybe I'm just consistently irrational, ironic huh?
It annoys me mostly because inconsistency seems to be a marker for failure with every past experience being recalled in my head when similar experiences trigger it. It is most likely that I am recalling annoying feelings from the past which compounds everything that's happening right now into what I shouldn't be addressing now: the past.
Hopefully this cloud passes soon, I'm tired of always feeling shitting and feeling like i'm sucking away all the positive energy present and gaining nothing from it.
But most of all, I hate feeling like I'm a nuisance.
Just to clear stuff off my head.
I just wish consistency was a part of my life and preferably the relationships (or lack thereof) I have. I feel so frustrated by all this chopping and changing, one minute super friendly and the next not as much. I try to make myself as consistent as possible because I know this type of shit really annoys me. It is actually quite a problem in how much it pisses me off because I get SO livid about it that I struggle to resist being extremely rude.
Also, is it so fucking weird to want a consistent grounding? Like, come on. I know people have quirks and shit but I'm kind of certain that I'm not being unreasonable. Then again is it actually appropriate to ASK for consistency?
Fuck it.
Why does this stuff piss me off so much? Is it just an irritation that festers and festers until it explodes green pus all over the place? Because that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Green. And pussy.
Is it that I choose my times so well that everything comes crashing down on me with in 5 minute intervals? Is than an external force, the way it is, or myself doing this to myself? Because if it is myself I would LOVE to know how I can stop it and control myself to the extent where trivial and pointless shit doesn't irritate me to the point of irrationality. Or maybe I'm just consistently irrational, ironic huh?
It annoys me mostly because inconsistency seems to be a marker for failure with every past experience being recalled in my head when similar experiences trigger it. It is most likely that I am recalling annoying feelings from the past which compounds everything that's happening right now into what I shouldn't be addressing now: the past.
Hopefully this cloud passes soon, I'm tired of always feeling shitting and feeling like i'm sucking away all the positive energy present and gaining nothing from it.
But most of all, I hate feeling like I'm a nuisance.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Finding a Balance
I changed universities and my course in order to fulfil my strong desire to be academically and mentally stimulated while studying. Luckily this has happened and i feel much more enriched and challenged mentally in my new environment.
However i still have a strong craving to express myself creatively. I think it has built up the last while since i haven't touched anything art-like for the last 6 months almost. I feel slightly mentally exhausted and extremely creatively frustrated, yet time seems to never be on my side. I wonder if i'm still able to create artistically. I feel like I'm about to burst with creative energy, yet its quite possible that i will hit a complete blank on trying to express my frustrations. Suppose i can't do anything about it until i've tried, so that will be the task i carry out as soon as time allows.
However i still have a strong craving to express myself creatively. I think it has built up the last while since i haven't touched anything art-like for the last 6 months almost. I feel slightly mentally exhausted and extremely creatively frustrated, yet time seems to never be on my side. I wonder if i'm still able to create artistically. I feel like I'm about to burst with creative energy, yet its quite possible that i will hit a complete blank on trying to express my frustrations. Suppose i can't do anything about it until i've tried, so that will be the task i carry out as soon as time allows.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)