Subconscious Hauntings

My dreams are haunting me. I suppose it's my subconscious begging me to deal with the issues that i'm trying to put asside only to continue with a normal life. I guess waking up will mean swallowing my memories of the night prior and again, trying to live through some semblance of a life.

It really is hard constantly putting yourself out there and never knowing what the fuck goes on behind the scenes on the other side when the show you're getting is also just one big fucking mess.To be quite honest, i don't have the emotional stability or strength to ask. Probably because i know what my answers will be met by.

Early Morning

I never thought getting through a day or week could be so difficult. Fighting against my own person to just live through the day is not my idea of how life should be. It really shouldn't be like this, or should it? I don't actually care how things should be, myself personally i'm not feeling good. And to be quite honest i don't know when i will or if i really was. What is the purpose of living a life like that? Is this just me? Am i over reacting? You know, fuck that. I don't care if i'm over reacting. This shit feeling has become a reality for me and it's not just the shit feeling. It's the reality that causes it. People hurting me and constantly letting me down when i'm really at my weakest is something that i can't do. Yes, i've lived (ie survived) the past few days without intentionally destructive people that i thought i needed, but i can't be alone for my entire life. It really seems as if it's going that way. And when i'm at my worst of worst there isn't even a comforting thought i can allow myself to have, because i'm only lying to myself. I can't even use the lies to placate myself either because then i just fall deeper and deeper into the well when i'm rudely made aware of how much of a lie my situation is.

I set myself up for hurt. Stupid, yes. But now it hurts. It's all just fucking sitting there, what i am supposed to do with all of this? Is there any way to live a normal life?

You have a problem

This is an open letter the the entire male race. Yes race. If you can apply yourself to it, please do. DON'T IGNORE IT. You're not above me, or my letter. This is the letter and at least consider it. Thank you.

Dear Men
Please can you stop being schitsophrenic? Okay, i know it's a tall order for you to stop or halt completely, but i do believe a good few of you need treatment. Drastic treatment that will prevent you from acting like a woman. Yes, it is women that change their m,inds 500 times in a second, you are not women. I know how wonderful we all are and how much you are dying to be exactly like us, but you cannot. It goes against all rules of society, evolution and the laws of sexes. So please, you are not women. Thank you for visiting your friendly local shrink with drugs, your support and co-opporation is much appreciated.
Much Love
Women (or just me)
Oh and PS this is no attack at people with schitsophrenia, not at all. You are the ones mocking them. Thanks.

edit
By the way: WHAT THE FUCK.

Breathing is impossible

Jesus. Can you die from a panic attack?

"Life goes on"

How am i supposed to deal with this shit? Honestly, how is time supposed to heal the wounds? Please will someone explain this all to me, give me the manual, the steps, because i cannot fathom how "life moves on". This is my fucking life story.

3am

Wow. Fell asleep at 2am this morning after having too much stuff milling around in my head. Was then woken up at 3am by some delightful assholes waking my entire corridor up in order to get to a chick who didn't want to see them in any case. *sigh* Lovely.

Despite being seriously over-exhausted i'm going to try to remain positive today, try and focus on the few really great things i have in my life. Being in such a shit state has really made me appreciate the good things when they come.

On a similar note, i opened a folder of pictures on my computer last night by accident. The times depicted were really really good times. I missed those good times, this longing coming with a feeling that could've suffocated me. But i'm glad those times existed. I'm just quite sad that there wont be more for a very long time, if ever.

Once Bitten, Twice as Unshy

I cannot believe how stupid i can be sometimes. I really wish i could be me from the outside and shake myself so hard that reality hits. Honestly, why is this shit so difficult? If i can SEE it myself, from the inside mind you then WHY can i never or will i never do something about it?

It also really tickles me pink that i manage to have everything come down on me when i'm in my lowest slump. No, it appears it wasn't just a bad Monday, because today is a bad Tuesday. Before it's begun. Couldn't kick the mood before it settled and now getting rid of it will get pretty hard if i'm gauging myself right.

I don't understand this. I can see all of this. It's like i'm fucking autistic, know it and can't/ won't do anything about it. Yet i know the repercussions, i KNOW what all of this feels like. Am i lacking some part of my psyche? This is seriously bizarre. Self preserve mechanisms anyone? WHERE ARE MINE? But what is all the more interesting is that these situations keep arising. Come on big guy in the sky, how many more times is this going to happen? Honestly, if you could stop now, it would be great. I don't have any more strength left in me to deal with this and no, i'm not going to learn from it on time 87, has that not become clear to you?

That's all.

You are what you eat

I thought that I longed to go out with Him. I thought that I was the one holding back His fun. And it's fucking amazing how He allowed me to believe that, or that i let him make me believe that. Fuck that shit. I realise now that the person who I longed to go have fun on the town with is exactly the type of person that i hated in Him.

I really hate this person you've evolved into. I'm seeing you from outsider eyes and you are looking pretty fucking hideous at the moment. If only you knew how to balance things properly. Let me just say this again. I seriously fucking hate knowing that the person i dated and loved (still love, sadly) is so horrific. Oh, and your friend is as much of a cunt as you are.

Girl Magic

I've met a new person who I had a really awesome chat with tonight. She has always been such a sweet, friendly person and I'm glad she's made a move to incorporate me into her life. She seems like she has a similar situation to what I was in and she really reached out to me and opened up which felt so nice. It also felt so good to have someone to talk to about my situation. And she just generally is a positive person who i feel would benefit my life. I want people to benefit my life. I need good people in my life now that i have a chance to replace the old with the new i want to do it in a way that will bring about the best possible results.

She expressed feelings of severe isolation in such a way that i thought she had taken my brain out of my head and was expressing my thoughts in words. I was seriously shocked, but it was great. We decided we'll do lunches together after I told her of my bad experience on the first day without Him. I'm actually quite excited! Hehe. Suppose I'm being quite a girl about this, but I'm loving this! I am as happy as pig in shit after a real and awesome girl-talk chat despite making friends easier with guys. How great. More shall be said on this!

P.S I also went out for pizza tonight with the lady spoken about above along with the rest of my section. It was fun, pizza was goooooood.